Another added extra, another test 💕

My anxiety, the heart skip moments usually start the Saturday before my Tuesday bloods and Thursday chemotherapy. I would like to add I’m working on this with my mindfulness techniques and meditation because I want to limit this energy.

Ok this sounds dramatic …but it’s true, chemo is like you are taking you body into a battlefield. You know it’s going to be hard being aware that the chemo can wipe your immune system leaving you prone to infection. It’s quite scary. You use a lot of energy to prepare yourself for it. It’s not just another day, it’s a day you must allow these drugs into to your body to make you better but also realise you are at higher risk of getting sick.

If anxiety was a photo 😂 this is our good friend Danny Buchan moments before the first shave, sorry not sorry Danny 😂 I feel its a image that reflects my anxious feelings pre chemo haha. Also sorry Steffy, Danny’s fiancé, for leaving you with your own Essex’s Phil Mitchell for a couple months. Love you both. Photo DoubleRed

The Tuesday blood test is a huge feeling of emotions too, will I get the green light for treatment Thursday? The blood count will either give you a yay or nay. Chemotherapy can leave you with a low neutrophil count, and I had a low neutrophil count even before chemo. Neutrophils, you’re probably thinking what the heck are they ? here’s quick low down on what neutrophils are :

Neutrophils are white blood cells that play some very important roles in our innate immune system. They circulate around our body in the bloodstream, and when they sense signals that an infection is present, they are the first cells to migrate to the site of the infection to begin killing the invading microbes.

So I knew these little (want to use a swear word) these little ‘things’ were going to be my problem. My second round of chemo got me, on top of that picking up unwanted illnesses I was quite concerned going into my third chemo. My bloods for my third treatment showed that my neutrophils are too low, it’s not safe to have chemo this week. I have more bloods next week, and prey they come back ok. So it’s more lock down for me, Netflix and chill life, walk the dog, eat and repeat.

Here’s the thing, another lesson learnt. I spent my weekend pre chemo anxious, I didn’t think it affected me, but , it did. I wasn’t enjoying the now, I was thinking about something five days away. Now although it’s understandable to why I would be anxious, what exactly was the point of that negative anxious energy. Didn’t get my chemo did I?

“The way to live in the present is to remember that ‘This too shall pass.’ When you experience joy, remembering that ‘This too shall pass’ helps you savor the here and now. When you experience pain and sorrow, remembering that ‘This too shall pass’ reminds you that grief, like joy, is only temporary.” ~Joey GreenWhat will I do for the next week? Get better and restBe kind to myself

• Read my mindfulness for health book (thanks Julie from the Bamford suite at derby)
• Calm myself
• Not allow this to be a set back
• Make the most of what I’ve learnt
• Style my new wig, stick on some make up, wear my nice clothes and lounge around in them, do it for ME
• Stay calm (I repeat)
• Walk our dog
• Make some healthy treats
• Breath and just be in the moment

My favourite times, walks with our little dog Larry. Walking clears my mind, exercise helps my body and Larry fills my heart with joy. Can’t get much better than that.

I had everything in my diary, dates of each treatment the lot all planned. The nurse told me at the start ‘don’t fix yourself on that you know’ I replied with ‘I’m optimistic’ I can remember feeling slightly annoyed and took a defensive approach with her. Now I know, and although this will never take my optimism away, I now understand that planning and fixating myself on dates takes me out of this present moment and can lead to disappointment from expectations, and that ain’t good for no one!So I’m going to write in my diary today TBC and leave it as that. Ditch my expectations and go with the god damn flow.Thank you cancer for teaching me a valuable lesson, one I thought I had already learnt but obviously not! I feel like I’ve finally had that ‘light bulb’ moment.

To anyone on this journey learn from cancer, the word is pretty nasty and we don’t like using it, but if you’re on this crazy nasty journey you may as well learn and get some good out of it. Turn it around, making the most of what you learn.

These are changing times my friends in more ways than one, embrace them. Allow them in, and allow a change in the way you once thought, if you allow this to happen you will allow only the good energies in and those negative vibes will evaporate rapidly like you didn’t even know they were there.

“If you feel lost, disappointed, hesitant, or weak, return to yourself, to who you are here and now, and when you get there, you will discover yourself, like a lotus flower in full bloom, even in a muddy pond, beautiful and strong.” ~Masaru Emoto

Masaru Emoto’s quote hits the nail on the head for this journey. Get back to you, don’t loose yourself to the cancer, it’s not the best of journeys like a muddy pond , but you are still the beautiful person you were before this allow yourself to bloom, don’t wilt with the drugs and disappointments along the way. Get back to you And who you are, take each knock back as a lesson learnt about yourself. Finally Come out of this more beautiful than ever this is your new chapter.

Love sarah

Xx