I wanted round three of chemo to come round so bad. I had got myself behind schedule by two weeks thanks to my neutrophil count staying low and making me wait. As hard as it was to keep having my bloods done in anticipation of the yes or no to chemo it certainly gave me an even more amount of strength. The crazy thing it got me wanting is chemo, and never did I think those words would come out of my mouth, however the longer time between sessions the better I started to feel and I didn’t want to feel totally over it as I knew it would hit me harder.
The crazy thoughts in between were hard to hold back and the uncertainties on whether or not the lump in my breast will start to grow again. It’s a weird place to be and all you want to do is jump back on the chemo journey because you know that is what is going to make it better.
I got the green light last week and I could get cracking again, my dosage had been cut by 20% due to my body not being Able to tolerate the original dosage. Many times at the start people would tell me that it can get more tiresome as the chemo continues, I tried my best to put this to the back of my mind but this 3rd cycle had me tired half way through the drugs being put into me, I actually felt drunk on the drugs, YUCK YUCK YUCK without the fun of being drunk. This time round I have given my body time to relax and although I haven’t totally succumb to the tiredness I have listened to my body and stopped putting so much pressure on myself.
The hardest part is sitting around with zero energy is having too much thinking time, you want to read or learn, do some work, but your brain can’t really compute so the best thing to do is really allow your brain to switch off, give yourself some real-time out.
Sometimes working hard, being busy and loosing yourself in something can be just that, hard, busy and loosing yourself. Sometimes getting stopped in your tracks a little can allow you to think about the one thing we all need to hold on to and that is hope. If you have hope in anything you believe or choose to do, you really do have everything you need. Sitting there trying to fill your brain with a thousand and one other things because that’s what this life has got you doing, take a step back, breathe and think about all the life you have hope in and sit and think about only that, breath and then move forward. nothing else should come close.
Love hope believe.
And as for this chemo making me tried, well I’ve worked hard for a long time, a little bit of tired time will only make me stronger. Enough of the beating myself up about it, and more of the resting. Think we all need a rest in life at times, no matter what the circumstances.
There’s a long way to go I get scared but so many others are on this journey too and although the stats can leave you feeling a little confused about it all, there’s so many others fighting I want to share my love with others on this journey right now too 💕