Tina the tumour is responding HURRAY.

I recently had an ultra sound and that showed my tumour had reduced by 8mm. I would like to add I am not even half way through my treatment, the road to recovery at this moment in time is really just that.

I wanted to just share my feelings, as I’m not sure if others may feel the same? I have been feeling weirdly emotionless for the past couple weeks, hence I haven’t been able to write my feelings down. I am putting this down to tiredness, which I am quite aware that chemo ‘build up’ does tend to have that affect. I have stayed positive throughout but something about this news left me feeling, well, emotionless. Maybe I was overwhelmed, maybe I knew it had shrunk, maybe the feelings came back of the bad news from my surgeon who first informed me that I had Breast Cancer, Maybe this maybe that…I don’t know.  I am fully aware that this is fantastic news but something wasn’t clicking with me. Something was stopping me from feeling this.

You see it’s fantastic news,  about bad news. It’s progress but there’s still a long way to go. The tumour is shrinking but I still have 13 rounds of chemo to get through. I still have surgery and I still have radiotherapy. I still have the what if’s creeping around in my mind no matter how much I believe in my own hope. Then with all of this you start beating yourself up for feeling partially negative about such fantastic news, and so the head games continue. Round and round it goes, you battle with your own thoughts and before you know it you are mentally exhausted and you feel pretty lost in the process.

As we were on the way back from the hospital I felt upset, I felt confused, my fiancé Jake was so happy, why wasn’t I feeling as happy as him?! Then he played me a song, Jessie J , one of my favourites , ‘Its ok not to be ok’ something my friend Emily has always told me too, in that moment I began to cry, but not in a sad way, in that moment it all made complete sense. It is simply that, it’s ok not to be ok. Be at one with how you feel, allow yourself to just feel. You see, the more you hold it in and battle against it the more you question and doubt everything, the more you drive yourself insane and in turn the more you internalise your feelings, which is hugely bad news for the soul. You start tearing yourself apart, don’t you think having cancer is enough. It’s simply enough that you have to fight this,  you really shouldn’t have to fight yourself too because you get a little confused with your emotions and start to beat yourself up about them.

Good news is good news, but I learnt that putting pressure on how you ‘should’ be feeling is totally the wrong way to go about it. Allowing yourself to have the emotions is easier than hiding them away. You can let them go once you have accepted them but you can’t if you choose to keep them inside. They will eat away at your reserves then bring you down at the time when you need your strength more than ever, at a time when you least expect it. The lovely Julie from the breast care team at the Bamford Suite (whom I am raising funding for) explained this to me, “don’t think about how you are feeling too much” she explained that I must allow myself to not question how I feel and allow myself to be just be. She also explained that every feeling is to be expected and not to pressure myself into feeling ok, the feelings will come and they will go. Remember this is expected.

My advice to any one on this journey is allow yourself to feel the anger, the pain, the weakness, the sadness, the confusion because once you have felt them you will want them gone, and recognising them will allow you to feel, and if you feel pain from those emotions like any pain we will want rid ASAP. Accept and move on the mind is the only thing we have control over at this moment in time. It’s a life experience that we all need to learn.

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

Frank Herbert

Fears and emotions come and go, I guess we all must respect the part they play in how we grow, we must allow them in to let them go again, clear the way for good to come in.

Love Sarah

xxx

ps take a trip to the seaside, the sea air will clear the mind alone.

Follow my journey on my Instagram too. It’s not all related to this cancer journey but that’s what it’s all about, this journey doesn’t define you as a person. I am still enjoying the things I love to do when I feel up to it.

View this post on Instagram

ᴹᵞ ᴺᴱᵂ ᴮᴸᴼᴳ (ᴸᴵᴺᴷ ᴵᴺ ᴮᴵᴼ) • • Tina the tumour is responding 🙌🏻 although great news it left me feeling emotionless. I have done my fair share of beating myself up about feeling this way, I should be happy right ?! Well with any feelings if held on for too long and questioned you dig yourself further into disparity and before you know it you’re crushed in your own emotions. I share everything open and honest on this journey and it really helps me understand myself and connecting with others. With being around loved ones and the support with my breast cancer care team at derby Nuffield I work my way out of negativity in my own time but in the right direction. • • Nothing is ever easy so allow it to be just that at times, we are told not to overthink but what happens when we don’t think we just push it further within and internalise it for those feelings to arise once again when least expected. • • I’m learning, 4 months in I have accepted it’s ok not to be ok. If you resist against this it will eat away at your soul and you become angry with yourself. Just allow yourself to be, and allow them feelings to go once you have processed those emotions negative or positive, experience them to let them go. Leave the soul light and re energised. This is a long road don’t tackle it all at once and certainly don’t beat yourself up for being low. No one said it would be easy, but I’ll learn and I’ll grow because I’m open to growth now more than ever however how hard it may be at times I’m growing. • • Love to everyone on this journey let’s do this 💪🏻 #cancermemes #breastcancer #cancer #mindset #mindfulness #hope #belief #emotions #rollercoaster #acceptance #feelings #honesty #open #freedom #love #care #selflove #selfbelief #selfgrowth #growthmindset #chemotherapy #chemo #lifewithcancer

A post shared by SARAH DIXON (@sarahdixon.96) on Dec 7, 2017 at 2:40am PST