Tonight I found out that I could crack on with chemo . This news is what I needed , I wanted to get on with treatment, the sooner I did the sooner this is over.
(This was Written Tues 9th Jan)
The past few weeks I’ve made some big changes, I’ve focused on a more plant diet and I’ve learnt each day to live in the now, soon as you start thinking about one thing it can escalate so quickly and before you know it you have thought about every single outcome to each concern possible.
The million and one things I had going round in my head I ditched them to concentrate on each day. I walked and walked…and walked some more , exercise has helped me keep a clear mind and it has also made me feel like I have control over my body, mix that with the decision to go plant-based, I’ve been in a great place. I’ve felt empowered by it, so positive and driven.
Although this Tuesday night I lay in bed and suddenly had this overwhelming feeling of fright. I felt scared again. I lay there with tears and tried to understand how and why I felt like this again. The news is what I had been waiting for right? So why was my stomach in knots and how within an hour could these emotions run through me. It struck me that the news I wanted was also a big I HAVE CANCER moment. The news of chemo was so overwhelming that it reminded me of my concerns , the now and future. Everything came tumbling back into my mind. My last chemo was almost 4 weeks ago , the final EC. This Thursday I start a new drug, Taxol , feeling scared of the unknown I guess plays a big part, and another 12 weeks of treatment is actually overwhelming.
Overwhelming, that’s the only way to describe it. I felt sad that in that moment of weakness I worried I was going to sink again mentally, but then I remembered that weakness can turn into amazing strength and I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t at times feel this way. I also remembered the words from my last blog ‘no right or wrong way’ to deal with this.
I’m not going to lie, my heart breaks a little when I think of everything. I don’t sit and think why me, I just, I guess quite simply feel sad at times. I feel sad for my body, I feel sad for those close who are going through this with me and how much at times it hurts them because you want to protect those close even though it’s you fighting, I don’t want anyone to hurt.
Perspective changes regularly, and each time it does it becomes another milestone to learn from. Something to take into the next challenge , the building blocks of a new you. Cancer doesn’t change you as a person, but it does change your values and it changes how you view the world around you for the better.
The scared moments pass, and you are left with an imprint that is an another important building block towards your strength.
I spend a lot of time looking at myself from the outside in , it sometimes helps to reconnect with the scared s**tless me to tell myself it will be just fine.
“All about that Mindset”
thanks to my dog larry for walking with me
Love Sarah xx
Sarah, I am so glad that you write and expel your thoughts. As some of those persistent thoughts are like a good fart – better out than in and a sense of relief when released. Xx love Katherine nd Derek
That is sooo Funny and true xxxxx
Keep up your fighting spirit! I wish you all the best my mum had it at 44 she’s 85 now!
Best wishes
Karen
Thank you for sharing your positive vibes , thank you so much xxxx needed that xxxx
Great that you have the green light for this next phase, hope it is going okay – better behind you than in front of you. If you want any company on all that walking, walking and more walking anytime then just shout xx
How does Sunday suit for a nice walk ? I’ll message you xxx
we all cope and deal with the C word differently, there is no right or wrong way , just your way 😀 , and those sad moments we all have are part of the process i suppose , everything crossed your treatment goes well 🤞xxx
Your doing fab sarah keeping going girl and think soon racing again with all your racing family behind you ❤️
Hi Sarah, have loved reading your blogs. You pretty much describe exactly how I feel and although I would never wish this upon anyone else. There is comfort knowing other’s feel the same.
I’m on a clinical trial so had the taxol first and found it OK most of the time. Sadly over Xmas I got a blooming wisdom tooth infection which put my chemo back over 3 weeks. I cried more at having to stop treatment then I did when I found out I had cancer. Just really wanted to get the maximum treatment efficiency I possibly can.
Anyway, yesterday had my first FEC and like you was so nervous of changing to something new but so far so good..
Keep writing and inspiring and it’s been very enjoyable to read your journey so fat. I hope the taxol is kind to you too
Kerry xx
Hi Kerry thank you for connecting with me. This is why I share my story to connect with others and raise awareness, never to feel alone. I felt he exact same when I had to be deferred treatment because of infection, I felt like I was stood still with cancer, like you found that so hard and I too cried a lot, can totally relate there.
It is scary changing drugs, I am the same, I’m finding paclitaxel the drugs I’m on a little lighter on me.
How many treatments do you have left ? I have been going to mindfulness classes they have been a great help. I have a book I can share with you if you would like?
Lots of love to you on this journey xxxx