Isn’t it quite amazingly strange that one moment you can be feeling weighed down like never before … out of control, then just like that …calmness enters and the feelings that felt like weights pulling you to the bottom of your ocean release and you are allowed to swim back up for air.
The lows
The past few weeks I’ve hit rock bottom those around I know have sensed this from me, I found the pressures of positivity ohhhhh too overwhelming and the constant pressure and lack of patience I was giving myself was off the scale!! At points I wondered what was happening to me and if it would ever clear , I couldn’t see past it all.
Repeatedly I would say to myself ‘it will pass….these soul destroying feelings will end and eventually disappear, but this time the more instances I told myself this the more significantly pissed off I got with myself .
It really was an awful head space to be, and honestly mentally the toughest challenge yet.
Everything was forced if that makes sense ? Getting up, going for a walk , exercising , talking , getting dressed , smiling , driving to the supermarket and even baking …and that’s my happy place, this is when I knew I had hit a wall and at this time I viewed this wall as permanent.
” WHY COULDN’T I BE THE POSITIVE ME ”
Just like that
The past week something shifted , I don’t know how and neither do I know exactly when but it did. Maybe it was a friends beautiful wedding day watching them so in love and happy , Maybe it was being away from my thoughts and fully immersing myself into my fiancé’s racing, maybe it was the jokes and laughs I had around, maybe it was the lovely people I met that told me how they were following my blog which made me feel so thankful and loved …maybe it was all of the above… but whatever and however that heavy Weight shifted . I could see the light once again and I wasn’t forcing a smile , I was genuinely laughing with all of my heart.
Words from others
A wise man …and this man is very wise ..Tim aka Timmy or technical Tim opened my eyes to thinking a little different and it wasn’t even related to my situation. There’s some words he used which I have been thinking about it the context of my life with cancer’ …Mathematical equations…now I’m not fantastic with maths but until something is mathematically impossible you keep going …
Enlightened
That’s the word I’ll use. I have spent days, every second thinking , thinking about more chemotherapy drugs, my Fertility, my relationship , cancer coming back , scans , and then more future scans , my life once again felt taken over by cancer. It was affecting me so much and started stepping back from people and hiding out in my mind , which let me tell you is very dangerous.
And breathe
Now …I can breath. I’m not in any means saying that worries won’t creep back in as I know they of course will I’m only human but I’ve made a deal with myself , until mathematically there is no equations available to use I will start to rebuild and enjoy every single second I can of my life , the life that actually thanks to cancer I now appreciate more than anything and has spurred me on to be more me …proud of what I have and who I am more than ever before.
Yes I worry about each and every pain that’s something I will work on, and I’ll allow myself to feel this way because after what has happened this is totally expected, I just want to learn to manage those thoughts whilst having a blast with life.
Love sarah xxx
