Tonight I found out that I could crack on with chemo . This news is what I needed , I wanted to get on with treatment, the sooner I did the sooner this is over.
(This was Written Tues 9th Jan)
The past few weeks I’ve made some big changes, I’ve focused on a more plant diet and I’ve learnt each day to live in the now, soon as you start thinking about one thing it can escalate so quickly and before you know it you have thought about every single outcome to each concern possible.
The million and one things I had going round in my head I ditched them to concentrate on each day. I walked and walked…and walked some more , exercise has helped me keep a clear mind and it has also made me feel like I have control over my body, mix that with the decision to go plant-based, I’ve been in a great place. I’ve felt empowered by it, so positive and driven.
Although this Tuesday night I lay in bed and suddenly had this overwhelming feeling of fright. I felt scared again. I lay there with tears and tried to understand how and why I felt like this again. The news is what I had been waiting for right? So why was my stomach in knots and how within an hour could these emotions run through me. It struck me that the news I wanted was also a big I HAVE CANCER moment. The news of chemo was so overwhelming that it reminded me of my concerns , the now and future. Everything came tumbling back into my mind. My last chemo was almost 4 weeks ago , the final EC. This Thursday I start a new drug, Taxol , feeling scared of the unknown I guess plays a big part, and another 12 weeks of treatment is actually overwhelming.
Overwhelming, that’s the only way to describe it. I felt sad that in that moment of weakness I worried I was going to sink again mentally, but then I remembered that weakness can turn into amazing strength and I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t at times feel this way. I also remembered the words from my last blog ‘no right or wrong way’ to deal with this.
I’m not going to lie, my heart breaks a little when I think of everything. I don’t sit and think why me, I just, I guess quite simply feel sad at times. I feel sad for my body, I feel sad for those close who are going through this with me and how much at times it hurts them because you want to protect those close even though it’s you fighting, I don’t want anyone to hurt.
Perspective changes regularly, and each time it does it becomes another milestone to learn from. Something to take into the next challenge , the building blocks of a new you. Cancer doesn’t change you as a person, but it does change your values and it changes how you view the world around you for the better.
The scared moments pass, and you are left with an imprint that is an another important building block towards your strength.
I spend a lot of time looking at myself from the outside in , it sometimes helps to reconnect with the scared s**tless me to tell myself it will be just fine.
“All about that Mindset”
thanks to my dog larry for walking with me
Love Sarah xx