Coming out of what was possibly one of the hardest weeks of my 33 years to date.
Chemotherapy I underestimated you. Chemo does two things, attacks the bad cells and attacks the good cells. In the process you get better but also in the process you get sick, and when you get sick it of course takes longer to recover because if it didn’t it would be too easy hey! Your immune system is hit in a way like never before. It’s a weird feeling, you can’t be mad or angry with chemo because it’s making you better but your mad and angry with it because it’s making you sick. You have to find a way to accept it. The problem is when you are sick it wipes your reserves and each day gets a little tougher. When your physically state suffers in bangs on the door of your already a tad fragile mental state. For a positive person, it got me. It ate away at my good and pushed me to a place where I felt more vulnerable than ever before. Sleepless nights waking up thinking everything possible. You sit and tell yourself STOP but your mind wanders more like it wants to rebel against the inner optimist. This is simply exhaustion, exhaustion physically and mentally. The one thing I repeated to myself was THIS IS TEMPORARY, a few days from now I won’t feel as sick and my mood will lIft, it’s temporary! …..and it did just that.
I think sometimes going to a dark place can be used to move forward in a more understanding way. You learn a lot about strength.
I needed to go there to understand I shouldn’t have expectations. With expectations come disappointment. Who wants to be disappointed! I’m not saying loose hope because I’ll never loose hope, but don’t expect too much from yourself. Your health is everything so you really must allow your body to heal. Wake up and tackle each day as you can, take the good with the bad and don’t let the bad days define your journey. My chemo cycle at the moment will leave me having 4 or 5 days which aren’t the best but I’m left improving the other 15 days, that’s 15 days to restore energy levels and enjoy. I have accepted I will have lower days instead of trying to fight that fact. Being too strong can work against you. It’s not about falling apart totally it’s just being realistic and kind to yourself allowing yourself to fall a little to rebuild stronger.
The future can be daunting but it doesn’t have to be thought about and planned out when you have the now to live.
This below makes a huge lot of sense
“Worrying doesn’t take away tomorrow’s troubles it takes away today’s peace”
I at times can be caught out by thoughts of the future, so much so It takes my breath away. It’s hard not to, it’s habit. We all plan for the future it’s “what you do” I don’t want to plan anymore. I want to look forward with hope but really take in the beauty of each day. Things will be just as they should.
Over complicating the mind is no good for the health of your soul it’s so damaging and only becomes second nature if you keep doing it.
Chemotherapy you are an absolute pain in my back side but I am thankful I have you as a choice, you are going to play a big part of me getting better. I’ll let the bad days teach me something new and wonderful about myself and the good days will help me do just that on my bad days.
I now understand chemo life and I’m sure I’ll continue to learn more. To anyone else on this crazy journey, don’t let it defeat you, it will make you stronger and it will certainly make your good days even better. Remember this is temporary.
Allow yourself to fall apart a little, let go a little, but only to rebuild this time a little stronger than before, make a crappy situation somewhat worth while, if we have to endure this learn to accept it.
Loosing balance is ok, it makes us stronger