Finding My Patience Through Cancer Treatment

“I have seen many storms in my life. Most storms have caught me by surprise, so I had to learn very quickly to look further and understand that I am not capable of controlling the weather, to exercise the art of patience and to respect the fury of nature.”

Paulo Coelho

 

“Just Be patient”

“Just Be patient” …how many times growing up have your heard these words? Patience of course is a virtue, but do we even truly understand the meaning behind it? I know I have said many of times,  ‘patience is a virtue,’ without truly understanding the meaning behind these ‘virtues.’ I guess it was something I would say without any true belief behind it. However, if someone had of explained patience as this ….Perhaps I would have stopped and actually realised the true importance it has on our souls,

“Patience and forbearance is considered an essential virtue in Hinduism. … The concept of patience is explained as being more than trust, and as a value that reflects the state of one’s body and mind.”

What next, and then what….??

I have always been in a rush, always wanting to get somewhere. Whether it be finishing school, uni, work, relationships …a drink! I look back now and realise that it was in fact me pressing fast forward on life. I wanted the answers and I wanted things done before I even knew what I actually wanted, how many of us do this? To other’s this may sound mad,  but it’s that fine line between doing mode and being mode that catches us all out at some point. Constantly ‘doing’ to get somewhere, when actually you aren’t too sure where it is you want to be, you haven’t actually given yourself any time to think about what it is you really want or need.

Hey there Cancer…

Cancer stopped me right in my tracks, like “HEY SISTA YOU KNOW THOSE PLANS YOU HAD? WELL IM HERE TO F**K S**T UP.” Cancer actually made me meet an inner ‘me’ which had been hiding away for years, I just never had the time to address that ‘me,’ I was always just too busy….. doing…..well…..something to get somewhere fast.

I was introduced to patience from the moment I was told, ‘I am sorry to tell you this, but it is cancer’, and at that meeting I had two choices, to allow patience in or ignore it further more. I knew deep down that I couldn’t go on as I had been, with years of anxiety, never feeling good enough, working so hard at everything I did so people would take note, and not opening up to who I was truly was because of what others may think. I mean, that says it all really, it was all about opinions and acceptance from others, when I didn’t even accept myself.

I had a rude awakening which turned out to be, in a tough way, the best awakening I’ve ever experienced. It suddenly dawned on me that my life’s dream was hiding inside ME. In fact, the spark, the light, the goal was right within and that version of me was actually the person I aspired to be all along. I just never had the patience to sit with it before and I will say it again, I always had somewhere else to be.

Patience is in us all

We talk about not having patience with others but what about the patience we lack for ourselves? I had lost complete patience with the most important thing in my world, ME. Without ‘me’ there is no, ‘my world’ so of course it makes total sense for this to be the most important gift you ever have. A gift….that we tend to ignore, WHO IGNORES GIFTS?!  We are the centre of our own universe and we should not be shameful for admitting this, it’s called Self Love and kindness.

“I have come to believe that caring for myself is not self-indulgent, caring for myself is an act of survival’

Audre Lorde

Latching on to everyone and everything else

I had let go and latched onto everything else around me. Patience with oneself holds the key to horrid times in life, the times when it seems easier to fall apart than to take a deep breath and be patient with the cards you are dealt without hurrying along to make your next move. Being backed into a corner really opened my eyes wide to this.

In a dark place I found patience within me, allowing myself to have this patience allowed me to find true love, not for anyone else, but for myself. Patience gave me hope and fed my soul with loving kindness. We are on this mission to find our soul mate but our soul mate is right inside us, we don’t need to search the world for it, we carry it around from the moment we are born, we just don’t see it because to ignore our inner selves is seemingly the easier option. ‘The one’ is right with you, the one IS YOU. It is life’s complications, life’s dark clouds which confuse matters. When we Constantly wait for the break in the sky we lose track of ourselves and emotions because we want it soooo bad to be sunny again, we just  don’t have the patience to sit with the dark and experience it.

The fact is, with all the want in the world it doesn’t change the weather, it will come and go as it chooses. We need to decide whether or not we spend our time living on the ‘next’ clear blue sky’ or  have patience with the weather and believe that it will indeed pass. We must be the patient with everything around us but first having patience with our emotions whatever the weather.

If I am honest, I have always known this, I guess I didn’t feel confident enough to truly believe that I infect hold this key, but more worrying than that I didn’t have confidence in myself. Confidence isn’t obnoxious or cocky if it comes from a kind soul, and we only have kinds soul if we are in fact kind to ourselves.

It is true, Patience really is a virtue.

One final note

It doesn’t ‘just happen’ and it is ok not to be ok, but spend a little time with yourself, where ever you are in life. I did have a rude awakening, but I just wish now I had more belief in myself before, I am so unbelievably happy that I’ve found an inner patience within, and even better, it’s totally free….although I’m still on the hunt for a new pair of shoes I MEAN WHO DOESN’T NEED ANOTHER PAIR OF SHOES 😉 

Love Sarah

xxx

Ps, each blog I write is from an open heart, I love hearing your comments, suggestions, feelings, it really does mean a lot. I Love sharing because I love to hear stories from others too 🙂

Pps, did I mention I FINISHED BLOOMIN CHEMO YESTERDAY wahahahahahahahhahaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy WHOOOP WHOOOOP!!!!