I haven’t blogged for a while , I’ve kept my instagram updated with words and photos but I haven’t stopped to really think. Partly because I feel life has just been a few steps in front of me and I’ve been trying to catch up and partly Because sitting down to write means you think, and sometimes I don’t like to think.
The last 3 months really have been an incredible kind of rollercoaster ride. It’s brought so many emotions both amazingly great and some frustratingly sad. That’s the problem with extremes… one minute you can be up in the clouds the next you can be deep down with the world on your shoulders and that’s hard to manage…I’ll tell you that!
I prepared myself for all of this , so I thought, but honestly the more you prepare the more expectations you put upon yourself and we all know what expectations do to the soul. Expectations should be banned, the word itself should be obsolete so not one of us has to feel that gut wrenching feeling of being let down. Let down by others and worse, let down by yourself.
I’ve been going through radiotherapy knowing that I’m in remission, however every morning for the past 4 weeks waking up Monday to Friday each day laying on some ‘cancer’ treatment machine thinking ‘but I don’t have cancer, is itself a difficult one to get the head around, each day is a reminder that number one had cancer and number two I’m in remission and don’t have cancer but they are making sure any rogue cells are gone so to me it doesn’t feel as though it has gone!
When they say radiotherapy is tough after chemo it’s not so much the physical, it’s the mental. You’re exhausted and you want to break free from the cancer chains mixed with a huge dose of gratefulness that in this moment of time you are in remission, cancer free.
I am starting to look back and get my mind straight to what on Earth has happened the past year. Through chemo you fight , you fight so hard not to let it get you that you have no time for reflection. I poured my heart and soul into each day, I woke up and looked to the future and didn’t want to sit and think to much about what was happening to me as I had to be mentally strong to pull my body up when it wanted to break and say NO MORE IM DONE. I kept mindful throughout and did explore my fear it was hard but you have to so you can keep moving forward and not get stuck . Many think I’m strong but the nights …night time is the worse, some nights you want to jump off, I don’t no where, but you want out. You lay alone tired not wanting another infusion of stuff that is going to make you poorly and better all at the same time, you feel so sad for everyone around and I would look at my fiancé and little dog Larry and think what if I can’t enjoy our beautiful future together. I want to escape but I want to be here forever I’m not ready to give up but feeling weak to go on. Then morning comes and I wake up feeling ready to go, like someone above was looking down on me and filled me with the strength to wake up and shout LETS GO!!
Don’t ever under estimate what someone is going through having cancer, some of those who appear to be dealing the best hurt bad , hurt deep , and the night time…well that’s the worse. Of course if you are a smiley jokey person that doesn’t stop because you have cancer, you still have laughing fits at stupid stuff but at the end you think …I never ever want to not be able to laugh like this, I want to laugh forever, please don’t take this away from me.
This sounds WOW but bear with …..
The way that cancer works (for me) is you look death in the face, kind of like you are stood on a mountain top unsteady , your rope is tight but you are unsure it will hold you when the storm picks up, you suddenly visit a place you ‘never thought’ you would. From this place you learn a little thing called perspective , and let me tell you , you are catapulted into that so fast you don’t actually have much time to comprehend this knew perspective , you need time to understand it and learn it for it is here where your life changes and it’s true…you are never the same again.
A kick up the ass
My life and my world has been kicked up the ass to a place which now I won’t just ‘put up’ or just ‘do’ I want more. That doesn’t involve money or a constant search mission to find myself , it simply is that I want more from each day, from each moment and I just want to be allowed in it and enjoy it for all its glory.
What’s next …
I have two sessions of radiotherapy and I’m writing this whilst I’m on a flight to Rome which my fiancé surprised me with , It’s not living the dream it’s living!! And boy am I going to be doing more of that, sounds simple right ? Well I think we all know how we get so caught up in our bubble of life and stress that we forget what the true meaning of life really is!!
Get out there live it and more importantly love it.
Ps thank you so so so sooooo much to everyone who has read my blog, left comments , introduced themselves to me it’s been a journey and I’ve been lucky enough to have a hole heap of amazing people along with me picking me up when I’ve needed it, making me laugh and sometimes making me cry but happy tears.
To anyone on this journey , beginning , middle or the end ….keep on finding the light , even on the darkest of times you can find light, even at night , look for the moon look for the stars and be assured that there is always someone looking after you, I truly believe there is.
Please leave comments and thoughts and I always love reading what others have to say x x