Ahhhh those Monday blues…I think each and everyone of us can relate to those lovely ‘Monday Blues’ which you are hit with as your AM alarm sounds and you wake up thinking, ‘WOW where did that weekend go?!… back to the grind!’ Recently I have been experiencing a different kind of ‘Monday Blues’, the kind I guess that others on this chemo train can relate too?
These kind of Monday blues have so many phycological factors that play havoc with the mind. When the weekend comes, if indeed you are feeling well enough, it is usually spent doing the things you enjoy, it is also ‘socially accepted’ that because it’s the weekend you are somehow allowed to feel more relaxed, the phraase, ‘living for the weekend’ springs to mind.
I don’t want to pull out the cancer card here, BUT, since I’ve been propelled onto this crazy journey I now wonder what the week ahead is going to throw at me with thoughts like, how many injections will I be prescribed, will I be able to go ahead with chemo, am I going to feel mentally ok or will the hormones from the zoladex have me all emotional or even worse emotionless. Will I want to talk to people, will I want to hide away. Will I be so tired that I can’t even read my favourite book AKA fatigue, or will I simply worry and wonder ‘WILL I BE OK,’ the list goes on…..and breath!. All these feelings have left me at times confused, the physical pains you can only hope that your nurses and oncologists can lessen but the phycological affects are all down to little old YOU. The constant feeling of the unknown can make the physical affects a whole lot worse.
This Monday I decided to go into the week a little differently. Last week I was told that once again I was going to be deferred chemotherapy for another week because my blood count was too low, this news was another gentle reminder that I kind of have zero control over what is happening to me physically but mentally you always have the choice.
Today I had my last injection of G-CSF (granulocyte-colony stimulating factor). Chemotherapy can affect your bone marrow, reducing your ability to create new white blood cells, G-CSF helps strengthen your immune system. It can also give you some aches and pains in your bones and muscles, which I’ve experienced the past week. This is again another little challenge to get your head around, another drug that leaves you not feeling the most tip top in condition but this drug is going to make you Better, so I tell myself to suck it up woman!
Tomorrow I have more bloods to see if those pesky neutrophils (love you really, please help me out here) have risen in count and if so I can have my chemo on Thursday HURRARR and not HURRARR, who wants chemo? ….actually that would be MOI, I just don’t want those side affects but I’m responding well so bring it on.
Today those “Monday blues” can go swivel, I made a deal with myself to respect Monday as just another day, and just that, a day! Another day to appreciate and enjoy, another day to learn and another day to find some peace in my mind rather than filling it with unwanted and unnecessary thoughts.
Being respectful with the way you feel can help so much in dealing with this experience, it will also make you view things differently. In all honesty I would quite like those Monday blues of work and that ‘living for the weekend’ feeling right now, but I do believe that those exact feelings I once had will be long gone after this experience. I am not saying that I won’t sometimes fall into that way of thinking in the future after all of this is over, I’m only human, but I will certainly be giving myself a big slap round the face when I do and remind myself to live each day as it comes as my daily gift. The sad thing for me is I wish it hadn’t taken this experience to make me truly realise that. I don’t live with any regrets but sometimes reflecting on how you once viewed things and facing them head on whilst questioning them along the way is all you need to find the best way of no longer feeling like you did once before.
Mondays are hard, I think Mondays will continue to be a day where I wake up and say ‘here we go again’ but I won’t allow it to bring me down, I’ll instead continue to find a way to make it a day that brings happiness rather than that gut wrenching worry.
Today I had my first proper experience of Yoga, I decided to do something just for me. It was great, I have a long way to go and as my tutor explained to me I will be forever learning like her. I’ve been left with some physical and some mindful techniques to work on every day for the next couple weeks. An entire hour (up to an hour) of me time to challenge myself. When I get to next Monday I will determine that day by how much I have learnt from the past week, and make Mondays the day I take another step forward.
It’s just another day, but it’s good to set goals and have markers as you are left with an overwhelming feeling of self satisfaction and in turn, making these Mondays not so blue, more like your own #MotivationalMonday for you, by you.
To anyone else with me on this I would love to here if you too relate to that Monday Feeling…it’s also good to know that you are not indeed going mad 😉
I also appreciated the wonderful views we had today, of course one of those views is going to include our Jack Russell Larry 😉